People of Facebook Part 1

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook.
I love that it's such an easy way to stay in touch with friends and family across the globe.
I hate that Facebook has become another way for grown up people to act EXACTLY the way they did in middle school.

There are certain types of personalities that inhabit facebook that make me want to delete my account and never look back.
These people are really jackassy. They bring their real life jack-assery to the digital world. They suck.
Let me introduce just a few.

1. The Twitterer- 

  Sample Status update(s)

PB&J debacle solved. Got Subway instead. Score.
Just now

At the store. All they have is CRUNCHY! :(
2 minutes ago

Damnit! Out of Peanut butter. Better go grocery shopping.
15 minutes ago

Which kind of Jelly to use? Strawberry or Grape? That is the question
17 minutes ago

Yep. Having the PB& J. Is there any better sandwich?
19 minutes ago

I think I want a peanut butter & jelly sandwich for lunch
22 minutes ago

This person thinks that Facebook and Twitter are interchangeable. On Twitter, I can look the other way when people tweet 22 times in a row. On facebook, you're just clogging up my home page. Stop doing that.

2. The lover -

Sample status update

My wonderful husband and my wonderful, beautiful children made me a  fabulous cake from scratch today just because they love me sooo much. I just lovey lovey love LOVE them so much.  I Love you Bob Smith, Kelly Smith, Timmy Smith, baby Smithy Smith and Bobo Smith (the doggy)!  <3 <3

 the lover loves everything, and she loves it all a little too much. She has the most romantic handsome husband, her job is simply amazing and she is so lucky to have it, her kids are the most outstanding children on earth, her dog wouldn't dream of getting fleas, her car shines like a diamond and drives like a dream, her local Walmart has the best service, her mailman is friendly, her Avon sales representative has amazing samples for her to try...everyone in her life is a-maz-ing. She loves to love people and she loves to tell all of her FB friends just how much she loves life. Really. She loves it.
 I hate her.

3. The song quoter-

Sample Status update

Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?

or possibly-

 All I wanna do in the middle of the evening is hold you tight, Rosanna. Rosanna!

Oh, and thanks for the earworm you jerk.
Related annoying person: The Movie Quoter 

4. Miss Speller & My Poor Gramma(r) -

Sample Status Update

I aint goin to work tamorow I diserve a vaccation guna go shopping insted

 at some point, this adult person must have thought,  "Screw it. Spelling is overrated."-and meant it.

Now, not everyone is a master speller, but spell check that crap.

This goes double for you if you are a teacher and your spelling is atrocious.

5. Death's Doormat-

Sample Status update

I have the worst head cold ever! I think my head is literally going to explode. It feels like my head is being hit by a bus. Repeatedly. I am in SOOOO much pain. And, I think I broke my toe. It huuuuurts soooo bad! It feels like tiny gnomes are poking my toe with tiny sharpened pencils. OUCH!

 this person is always at death's door. They have a cold. The flu. Food poisoning so bad that they can not stop throwing up. And, even considering all the throwing up they are doing, they are still dedicated enough to plunk themselves in front of a computer and tell us this? Ick. Go to bed. I don't want to catch your contagious douchebaggery.

6. The Jonses-

Sample Status update

Just got back from our Bi-annual safari in Africa and in the mail was a great big bonus from work so we went ahead and got that new Lexus I've had my eye on for weeks (yay! Finally!!) Going to drive it around as much as I can before we leave on the yacht for our yearly month long Tahitian vacation at the end of the month. :)

This person has an enormous house in a fabulous gated community, multiple expensive cars,  32 snowmobiles, 12 Jet skis, a yacht, an in-ground swimming pool, pure bred dogs, a perfectly manicured lawn, sparkling jewelry, and goes on the best vacations. Dont believe them? They have pictures (and pictures and more pictures) to prove it.
Especially annoying when these people are relatives. I...uh..hear.

Many MANY more to come in part 2 . 

Who is YOUR least favorite FB personality?

Team SANDRA.

I can not ignore a certain national tragedy.
I was going to keep my opinion to myself but I just can't do it.
America's sweetheart has been cheated on.

Also, I read this hysterical post at Glen's life and I was motivated to put in my two cents.
I am going to drop my 'snow hating' hat and don my TEAM SANDRA tee shirt.

Jesse James has once again been thrust onto my radar. I do not like Jesse James on my radar. The radar is reserved for George Clooney, Clive Owen and Possibly Taylor Lautner if I am feeling especially cougar-like.
Jesse James.
No.

 So, Jesse James, you had the NERVE to cheat on Sandy? (I sometimes call her that)

Oh, I can see why. Who would want to sleep with this swamp creature?

Are you kidding me?

I don't know. Maybe she is a horrible person to live with.

Maybe she plays "About Steve" on a constant loop on all the t.v.'s in the house.

Maybe when you drive anywhere with her, she never allows you to travel at less than 50 miles an hour.

Maybe she clips her toe nails on the couch and leavs the clippings on the coffee table.

Maybe she refers to motorcycles as pigs instead of HOGS.

If all of these were true, I guess that Jesse may have reason to look for love elsewhere.

They are not. So he doesn't

She is pretty much the most beautiful woman in America and her husband strayed. I am number 1,269,894,099 on the beautiful list this does not leave me feeling very good about myself.

It's not like she looks like this

Or worse, this

So, Mr. James.  What in the world could you possibly have been thinking?

Let's just for funzies say that I (kind of a nobody) was married to oh, let's just pick someone at randomGEORGECLOONEY.

Ok, Imagine I am married to George Clooney

 gah...............................................................................................................................................................

sorry. Thats what happens when I pretend to be married to George Clooney. I'm better now. Promise.

If I were Mrs. Clooney do you think I would be out and about town looking for action with someone who looks like this?

(all photos curtesy of google images)

Absolutely not.

In fact, you would never see or hear from me again. Or him.

Not ever.

 I wouldn't even take the time to call my mom. Ever. 

We would be otherwise occupied...

I would be intelligent enough to appreciate my EPIC good luck and and NEVER look at another man as long as I live.

So...Jesse, off my radar! You are not welcome here- and if Sandy has the good sense that I am SURE she does, I hope she tells you the same thing.