I'm a wiener. Uh, I mean Winner.

MEGOWW:  The word that was once said while inflicting pain during a 'Karate Chop'.

 This word eventually fell out of favor and has been replaced with the catchy  "Hiiiiii-Yaaaaaah!" " in recent times.

I don't want to brag, but I am going to anyway. Out of like, 16,000 people [or 30.Whatever. killjoy.] that submitted definitions{mine is above} for Captcha Balderdash over at Kelley's Breakroom, MINE was chosen as the winner. I know. I KNOW! 


Not only does winning expand my already inflated ego, but Kelley also mentioned something about a LARGE check..or maybe I dreamed that up. You can't be too sure with me. I have my team of lawyers working around the clock on that one for me. If I suddenly start posting from Tahiti, you'll know how that story ended.

If you have never been to Kelley's Breakroom, I suggest that you head right on over there. Kelley is hysterical.
Not like, "I do say, Buffy, that Kelley and her Breakroom gave me a bit of a chuckle today."
 but more of a,
"I do say, Buffy, thanks to that Kelley and her Breakroom, I do believe I need to change my undergarments post haste!"
Ya know what I mean?
No?
Neither do I.
Suffice it to say, Kelley is a hoot-and-a-half,extremely talented and amazingly creative. Go on and hang out in the breakroom for a bit and see for yourself. Old Aunt Katie wouldn't steer you wrong.

Now I am off to wait by the mailbox for that incredibly LARGE check.

It has been decided. Curmudgeonly.

Guess who just got published by her big old bloggy crush ??

Me.

I know. I know.

 { Deep breath }

 go visit me at the Sassy Curmudgeon 

I could puke because I'm so excited.

You go read.

I'll go barf.

Deal?

Deal.

Better than a Golden Globe

The lovely Kristy at Pampers and Pinot has given me an award.

I'm quite happy to get this award because I was not given a Golden Globe the other night. I wasn’t even nominated!

I know. I am just as shocked as you are.

Thankfully, this award will fill the hole in my heart just about the size of a Golden Globe.
Thank you Kristy. You are too kind.

As per the rules, I am to tell you 7 things about me.
Wait! Wait! Don't leave.
 I know the last thing you want to do is read silly tidbits about me, but it will be worth it. I illustrated the tidbits myself. They are strange  awesome.

Also, I know just about everything there is to know about me so this should be pretty easy on my end.

All you have to do is read on and feign excitement about these little Katie Knuggets (the 'k' is not silent in either word there.) and enjoy my horrible adorable illustrations.

7 previously undisclosed factoids about yours truly:

1. When she was little, my cousin had absolutely gorgeous, thick, long, hair. My hair was short, bowl-cutted and lame. I was jealous. Her hair was a point of pride for both my cousin and her mother. 
 She and my Aunt went on and on about her hair.

Oh! The things you could do with it!

 Oh! How LONG it took her to grow it.

Oh! The special conditioners that cost big $$ that they gooped into it twice a week

…blah blah gag me.

Well, I got sick of it. One day, I invited my cousin to play beauty shop with me and  accidentally*  cut off a nice big chunk of her hair. It was awesome  horribly tragic. I felt elated very bad. As punishment, both her mom and my mom spanked me.

Totally worth EVERY spanking.

2. I always eat the orange M&M's first because they are far superior to any other color. No one will ever convince me otherwise.

Orange. The KING of M&M's.

3. I am inappropriately in love with my new toothbrush. It’s called a PLAK SMACKER (not kidding) and using it is like having a million sparkly angel kitten whispers clean your teeth. Which sounds strange but is actually wonderful. Don't judge me.

I really wish I had this dress.
Glad I don't have those Wii hands.

4. During college, I started an email program that people could 'subscribe' [subscribers = people who gave me their email addresses] to for Katie’s Thought of the day. These “thoughts” were short, one paragraph observations of campus life or notifications of what I ate for lunch. [Ramen. Again.]
 I like to think they were awesome. I’m not sure what the subscribers really thought.
 As you can see, I was way ahead of Twitter.

This is really what computers looked like in 1997 kids.

5. After getting caught talking for the 8 billionth time in English class in 10th grade, the teacher moved my best friend to the back right hand corner of the room and me to the front left hand corner.
Not to be deterred, we learned sign language and continued to communicate despite the distance.

Mismatched desks = shabby chic.

6. I can not watch gory movies. Especially seeing skin getting cut or punctured. If I see it, I vomit on the spot. Just typing that sentence made me a bit queasy so we’ll be moving right along.

This is also how I looked the year I dressed as Princess Fiona for Halloween.

7. In 1st grade, I told my teacher that someday I was going to write a book and that I wouldn't let her read it because it would probably contain 'swears'. She didn't even bat an eye and said, "I don't mind a swear, as long as it's properly used."
I loved her.

Darnit! It's to blurry to read. Believe me, it's hilarious.


Well, there you have it. 7 little pearls about lil' ol' me.
And what did I tell you about those illustrations? Snazzy, no?

Rules say to pass this award to 15 people. I'm going to pass it to four because I can. YAY!


Those 4blogs are:

Bleeding Healer
Dani's Letters
JoBart
Litany of Brittainy 
{please come back. The blogosphere misses you.}

*That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Added after posting: The hair cutting incident happened when she was 6 and I was 7.  I didn't cut a little cousin's hair, like, last year or anything. Thought I better clarify. You never can tell with me. 

The laundry will wait. These blogs aren't gonna read themselves.

You know what I like?
Finding fun new blogs to read.

You know what I like even more?
When finding fun new blogs to read requires no real effort on my part.

You too? I thought so.

Through various blogging acquaintances (blogquaintances) I have had the opportunity to find these new reads.

I hate to tell you what to do, but you really should visit these blogs. If you want a laugh, or want to be inspired, or just want to have a reason to avoid the laundry a little while longer, you should check them out.

If you'd like your faith in humanity to be restored

 visit Marla at   Butts and Ashes

Marla is an outstanding woman.  Read this post is it crazy? Maybe but it's also AMAZING.

If you'd like to read TWO witty blogs about life and family

Check out Daddy Green's Pride and Mommy Boots

The writers of each happen to be married - to each other. Both are totally rad.

If you'd like to laugh your derriere off

Stop by Kelley's Break Room

or

The Blog O'Cheese 

Why should you? Because I literally fell off my couch laughing at a post Kelly wrote about Mister Roger's.

She is totally nutty. I love it.

Plus, SHE pointed me toward the Blog O' Cheese which is absolutely insane. But in a GOOD way.

Case in point? Go see what he plans to do when he hits 500 followers.  

That right THERE is worth clicking the link.

If you would like to get into Glen's inner circle before he becomes a  famous published author -and believe me- It's GONNA happen

Go read (and follow)

Glen's Life

for some strange reason, he has less than 100 followers. This is strange to me.

Glen is the real deal.

Read.

Comment.

Follow.

He'll be happy and I'll be happy, and being happy is nice.

So see? Great reads with little work involved.
Just get yourself a nice beverage and click away.

My Blogiversary

Exactly one year ago today, I wrote my first blog post here at NMO.

This is what it looked like:

2 previous blogs.

 Deleted.

This year, I am going to direct my free time and energy to this blog. Ok, and Facebook. I need my Facebook. I decided to write this blog because this is the year I turn 31. Actually, I will be celebrating my 2nd annual 30th birthday thankyouverymuch. ( I refuse to acknowledge my real age again until I am 40)

That being said, I realized-being the ever so wise 30 year old- that my life has just been pooing away and I will never be getting any of that back.

Teens? Gone.

20's? GONE.

30's? 1/10th Gone.

Time sure does fly while you are waiting for "real life" to begin! I have decided to STOP being scared,

 (which I am. A LOT)

and start LIVING.

My new motto is NO MISSED OPPORTUNITIES (now my blog title too). I have done a lot in these 30 years but I want more.

 More.

MORE.

 So, I have decided to go get it...aaand blog at the same time.

Well, that and I saw Julie & Julia which has gotten me excited about many things: Cooking, Julia Child, Amy Adams, blogging,  and last but not least-Stanley Tucci. 

So thank you Julia and Amy for kicking my lazy butt and giving me some motivation to change up and air out the ol' life a bit.

.....................

What I really wanted to post here today was my vlog. However, due to some technological snafu (read: me being clueless) that will not be happening.

(Btw, is there a place I can upload my video BESIDES YouTube? I am having soooo much trouble. Gah!)

Instead, I would like to thank all of you that read this hot mess of a blog.

I know I am not writing literature here, and I get a bit happy with the parentheses at times, but you stick with me. I could just smooch on all of you. I won't, but I totally could if most of you didn't live on different continents.

Thank you for sharing your blogs with me. I have learned so much. I've read so many uplifting stories. Cried so many tears of joy and sadness, peed my pants on more than one occasion while laughing at your incredible wit and originality, which sounds gross, but is actually a compliment of the highest order. I swear.

I have made so many great friends this past year. My family doesn't understand how I can be friends with someone just by reading their blogs and having conversations with them via twitter, but I know it's possible.

I am so thankful for technology because without it, I would probably be sitting on my couch just staring at my husband, waiting for him to entertain me, or starting fires. I can totally see me becoming a pyro. You know, idle hands and all...

So, to all my friends

across the pond In England and Ireland

In Australia

In Canada and India

In Poland

In New York

Oklahoma and Kansas

Texas

and right here in Michigan

Thank you.

You make blogging rad.

Yes you do.

An Open Letter to The Sassy Curmudgeon

Dear Sassy Curmudgeon,

I would first like to start by saying that I love your blog. Actually, I don't just love it. I luhve it. Probably in a creepy way. Let's just say that if your blog was a person, it would definitely have taken out a restraining order against me after catching me standing in the bushes outside his/her house, staring through a bathroom window at him/her. Again.

I am a total bit of a stalker. I am 99.9% sure that I have read every blog post you have ever written. That number is not 100% because my phone company is a total assbag sonofabitch and my data service is not wholly reliable so who the frak knows if it lets me load all your posts.) I am sure that you know what a lurker I am already due to stat checking. That "android operating system from Michigan"  who visits 154 billion times a day? Yep. That's me.

I can't help myself. You are just too damn funny.

Here is some proof.

I DO NOT share my blog-life with my husband if I can help it, but I have had to wake him from a heavily snoring sleep on several occasions to make him read  one of your posts. His reaction? "Ghugh?" Which means he thinks it's funny too. I'm pretty sure.

He has also been known to ask me to stop reading your posts on my phone in bed, as the combination of my weight and spasmic laughter shakes the bed- thus waking him, and he doesn't like to be pulled out of a good Megan Fox on Scarlett Johansson dream by what he thinks (in his drowsy x-rated stupor) are earthquakes.

The  frickin' baby.

Anyhow, I have been wanting to nominate myself as your curmudgeon of the week for ages. However, I refrain from doing it because I don't feel as though I can ever meet the standards of some of the other true curmudgeons you have published.

You see, I am only half curmudgeonly.

The surly side of me:

• Hates when people decorate their cars for Christmas. Don't put a wreath on your grill. Or I will put my fist in your face.
• Is irate when people don't acknowledge me when I hold a door open for them. I never realized so many people were raised by wolves. Totally classless.
• Can not STAND Christmas music before December. Actually I firmly believe Christmas music was made only for Christmas day. Maybe Christmas Eve if I am feeling especially generous. Which I am NOT this year. 
• Is furious when people tell me to "smile" because "Jesus loves me". (Not that I have a problem with smiling or Jesus. I just don't like people telling me what to do.) Nope. Now I'm gonna frown more out of spite. 
• Unfriends people on FB that make inspirational quotes their status updates. I do not need to hear uplifting words from the stoner that ate staples on a dare and  dropped out of school in 10th grade. Or from anyone for that matter.
• Can hold a grudge FO-EH-VAH. (Rachel Brenna gave me head lice when she made me try on her ugly brown headband in 1st grade which was 25 years ago. Oh my God. 25 years ago?!?  She better hope we don't ever meet up in a dark alley. Also, screw her for making me realize that 1st grade was a quarter of a century ago.)

See? Curmudgeonly, no?

Except.

The other half could be described as a...
...as a...

Happy go lucky sponge.

 I am basically one of those generally happy an open minded people but I also sometimes lack a  backbone.

That half of me:

• Has a revolting need to be liked by everyone. It kills me when I find out someone doesn't like me.This is a crappy situation because then I become recklessly nice, which just makes that person dislike me even more.   
• Says things like "Alrighty then, buh bye now." when I end phone conversations.
• Strives for the approval of my mother in law at any cost. EVEN spending whole days with her without her son around to mediate our conversations. A dangerous situation for both her well being and mine. I do it though, because God forbid she doesn't think I piss glitter.
•  Follows most rules placed by society no matter how inane they are and gets mad at people who don't do the same. The scoundrels.
• Still actively listens to the Spice Girls, Hanson, and Vanilla Ice. On purpose.
• Gives people wildly inappropriate and often embarrassing nicknames such as: Poodle, Pudding, Meow Meow, Lambie Pie, Picklebottom and worse...

I could go on and on here with the annoying stuff that nice Katie does, but I believe you get the point.

Just when it looks as if one side is about to win out over the other, the opposite side steps in and does something rash like:

• Curmudgeon Katie - collecting every cheese wrapper that my husband can't manage to throw away -even though the garbage can is about 6 inches from where he left the wrapper- and stuffing them all into his pillow case and under the sheets on his side of the bed. 

• Winsome Katie -  baking cookies or bringing in the mail for the next door neighbor (whom I hate with a passion) after her flavor of the week boyfriend breaks up with her.

As you can see, I am torn.  Both these personality traits are there just bumping into each other and keeping me from being  more one than the other. It's obnoxious really.

I would very much like to be considered for your Curmudgeon of the week spotlight, even though I am not all curmudgeon. All the time.
Not that I have the audacity to ask you to make a special exception for me, but if I did have the audacity, I would probably come up with some categories that you could place me in if you were so inclined.

Curmudgeon Lite

Good Girls Gone Bad-ish

Wholesome Midwesterner/Semi Badass

Princess Be-otch

I'm just saying, is all.

Let me know what you think, ok Poopsiedoodlekins**?

Alrighty then. Buh bye now.

A fanatic,

Katie

**If this heartfelt letter doesn't convince you to let me be your COTW, and you would rather go the bribery route, I would be willing to send you...

Chocolate Covered Potato Chips.
Whatever. I'm not too proud.

*All images courtesy of GOOGLE

In which I prepare to get a puppeh. And recommend a GREAT read.

I have spent the last week and a half preparing for the big event. Which event?
The one where I bring home our
 (upbeat game show music here)

BRAND NEW PUPPY!!

 This is a major event for us because we- my husband and I,  tend to be dreamers and not actually do-ers.
I am fairly sure that when my husband ok'd a family dog**, he didn't think I would actually find one.

**I would like to note here that when I first typed the word dog in the previous sentence, I accidentally typed dong- which has nothing to do with this story but is hilarious to my prepubescent brain**
Anywho, moving on...

So, I wanted an Irish Wolfhound.
He wanted not an Irish Wolfhound
I said BIG
He said SMALL

He ended up getting what he wanted. NOT BECAUSE I was like, listening to him or anything. Because the dog that I fell in love with just HAPPENS to be small. Seriously. That's the way it happened.

Sooo.. I have been terribly busy eating leftover turkey preparing our house for it's newest member, Sophie, (miniature Schnauzer/Tibetan terrier mix- thank you for asking) and have kinda been neglecting the ol' blog. 
But, I DID finish my VLOG and I will post that gem (ahem) very soon.

Until then, please go read about Glen's Day of Christmas Shopping.You will DIE laughing. SERIOUSLY, DIE! But in a good way. You don't have to take my word for it, but  he is published author, so you better go read it before the fame goes to his head and he forgets all about us little people.  

You didn't think I'd talk about a puppy and then NOT post a picture did you?

Sunday Spotlight - Mandi

I'm super excited about the blogger in the spotlight today.  Mandi is one of the very few people I know in real life that read this blog. I have known Mandi for going on 16 years. We went to high school together. Mandi is one of the nicest people I have ever met. What always struck me about her was her relationship with her family they really seemed to not only love each other, but like each other as well (this concept was hard for me to wrap my head around at the time). Truth be told, I was a bit jealous that her family always seemed to get on so well. Currently, I am jealous of Mandi's SUPERMOMMY-NESS. Yes, that is a word. Visit her blog here.  Oh, and leave her some comment love, will ya? Supermommies deserve lots-o-comment love, m'kay?
Did I mention she has 2  3  4  5 more than 5 kids? Yup. She sure does. She's an interesting and cool chick. Read on.

Take it away Mandi...

What is your Name-pseudonym-alias (whatever you feel comfortable sharing)?


My given name is Amanda, but the ONLY person who calls me that is my grandmother. Most people call me Mandi. My mom calls me Ramada, but that's an entirely different story....


What is the name of your blog?
Thoughts by Me
http://www.kurtzrus.blogspot.com/



How Long have you been blogging?


I've been blogging since January of 2005....five years?!?!??! No way....



Tell me about how and why you chose your blogs name.

Well, it's thoughts....by me....I know, totally original right?


What is special about your blog? Do you have regular features, contests, or other fun things that are special or unique? What do you do at your blog that could be considered your 'signature'?

I would love to do contests or fun things, but I don't have a very large readership. Lately, it feels like my signature is my lack of blogging!



Why do you blog?

I started my blog as a way to share my life with myself. I love journaling and this was just an extension of that. Only anyone on the Internet could read it. That's been both a wonderful and horrible thing!




What do you love most about blogging? Pet peeve?

I love being able to write whatever I am thinking and feeling. There have been times when that has stirred up quite the controversy!! It annoys me when people just leave comments to insult what you've written or to instigate problems. Hey people, you don't like it, DON'T READ IT!!!!



Any tips or tricks you'd like to share?

No I think blogging is different for everyone. People do it for lots of different reasons. I blog about my life. Sometimes it's exciting (like when my husband ran out to get me something from the car and ended up delivering the neighbor's baby!) and sometimes it's dull (like where I just ramble about poopy diapers and eating half a pan of brownies.) But I write for me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE when people read it and comment. Some people have told me that things I have written have touched them and that has touched me. But mostly, it's just my ramblings to preserve for as long as there is an Internet.




Name a blog or two that you read regularly.

Well of course No Missed Opportunities. I also love Rainy Day in May , Yes They are All Mine and I Should Be Folding Laundry .




What do you look for in the blogs you choose to read? What grabs your attention and holds it?

I tend to look for other mommy blogs....especially ones who have more kids than I do, which is tougher than you might think! I also love blogs that are real, real people living real life. 



Tell me something. Anything that I need to know about you as a blogger, as a mother, human... whatever you'd like to share.


I am a mom, to 6 kids. That may sound like a lot, but it's not too much. I mean, at least it's not 19...right??? I adore my kids and my husband and I am honored to stay at home and raise them (yes, my husband is included in that). I try to keep it honest which means that sometime what I write is rather raw, but if we can't be real, what's it all for anyway?

Mandi rocks. Don't ya think?

Today I blog from Australia. Kind of.

I've been driving my husband absolutely crazy. (Even more than usual.)
Why?
Lori in Australia thinks I'm a awesome.* That's why.
Hey! Don't laugh. I'm serious.
Go see for yourself.
Lori's Blog -Random Ramblings of a Stay at home Mum




*as it turns out, it is quite possible that the Aussie definition of awesome is crazy.
...But in a good way, right? RIGHT?

Sunday Spotlight - Glen

So, I'm pretty excited about this Sunday Spotlight.
Not only is it the first, but one of my favorite bloggers is up.
Honestly, if you're not reading Glen's Life, you are missing out on something very special indeed! Not the least of which is his alter-ego, the often cringe-worthy Breeze Van Santo! (Go look. Trust me.)

I asked Glen some questions so we could get to know him a bit better.   It's so great to get to know the real people behind our favorite blogs!

Take it away Glen...



What is your Name-pseudonym-alias (whatever you feel comfortable sharing)?

Glen when I’m feeling myself, Breeze when I’m feeling someone else.



What is the name of your blog?

  Glen's Life http://www.glenslife.com/



How Long have you been blogging?

18 months



Tell me about how and why you chose the name of your blog.

I assumed the World would sit up and pay attention once it knew it was about my life – I truly did think that I was that important!



Why do you blog?

Because I love it. At first I actually believed the Google hype that I would make a fortune through advertising, so I figured I could exercise my brain while getting rich. Once that bubble had burst I found that I didn’t want to stop, that I needed it too much. Writing my blog is my “me” thing. Pretty much my whole life is spent being a parent, a husband or an employee, I’d lost somebody – Blogging found him again.



What do you love most about blogging? Pet peeve?

I love the freedom that escaping into your own head provides.I love that when I start to write a moaning piece about something that has annoyed me it almost always makes me think and see the other side of the problem so I cheer up and think it wasn't so bad after all. Writing about the crap things around me has made realise how lucky I actually am, and that is a pretty brilliant feeling.



I hate the silence when you have written a post no one is bothered about, but that you thought was good. I also hate “Nice blog – here is my link” AAGGGHHH!



Any tips or tricks you'd like to share?

Decide what is important to you, readers or followers, and work to that. Stay true to yourself and just write what you actually believe, rather than copying what other people think. If you are not planning on getting a divorce, don’t let your partner read the posts before you publish them, and NEVER look into their eyes when you ask them if they thought your latest post was good, help them out by looking away.



Name a blog or two that you read regularly.

NMO obviously – Butts and Ashes religiously (http://buttsandashes.blogspot.com/ ), The Fallen Monkey (http://thefallenmonkey.com/ ), Vienna for Dummies (http://phillipprideaux.blogspot.com/) and JoBart (http://bsouth.wordpress.com/ ). There are plenty more but I’ve just realised that I’m not talking about me anymore and lost interest…


Tell me something, anything, that I need to know about you as a blogger, as a mother, father, human... whatever you'd like to share.

I am rubbish at telling jokes. I genuinely think I still have a chance of getting together with Sandra Bullock. I can never answer questions about myself seriously. I think this is because I battle against self doubt and a lack of confidence every single day. By diving head first into situations and forcing myself out of my comfort zone, by writing a blog which requires far more self belief than I will ever have, I dodge facing the reality of how irrelevant I might actually be. I also went to the doctors today wearing clear plastic shorts; the doctor informed me that he could clearly see that I am mad. No I’ve got that wrong haven’t I? There were these two nuns with some shower gel, no wait…


Life is too serious not to laugh at it.

Ok, so he may be right about the jokes, but Glen is an incredible writer and absolutely one of my favorites. Show him some love here and go check him out. You will not be disappointed!

Michigan Girls- Inspired by The Sassy Curmudgeon-Inspired by Katy Perry

Not too long ago, The Sassy Curmudgeon who is brilliantly funny on a regular basis, was extra brilliant when she posted this gem (I'm not being ironic.) - an answer to Katy Perry's song California Gurls. I love her parody! Especially the Ed Kochy-Koch part. I laughed so hard I almost hyperventilated.

I have a love/hate relationships with songs that are specific to states. I kind of love them because I get a bit of a geography/pop culture lesson while listening to the radio. I hate them because more often than not, these songs are not about Michigan-and just so you don't think I am a complete narcissist-though you would be correct-I also feel bad for Delaware because there are no songs (that I am aware of) for them either.

Does everyone feel like this when they hear these types of songs? Is there someone sitting in Utah getting pissy because because no one has written "Sweet Home Utah" yet?
Maybe someone in Vermont is feeling a bit stabby because "Vermont iz where itz at" has not become a top 40 hit?
Probably.

And yes, Kid Rock did come up with a song called "All Summer Long" which is even better than a plain Michigan song because he is specifically talking about Northern Michigan which is EXACTLY where I live and he sings about places I have actually been to, but that is neither here nor there. Not enough. I WANT MORE.

Anyway, the point is that I felt that Michigan also needed a version of California Gurls Michigan Girls. So, here is your geography/Michigan pop culture ear worm lesson for the day.

To the tune of California Gurls by Katy Perry (der) but with some Motown flair, mkay?

I know a place
Where the snow is really deeper
Cold, warm then cold (again)
There must be something in the Great Lakes
Sippin' on some Faygo
Layin' underneath the pine trees
The boys
Break their banks
Try'na make their engines louder

You can travel the Midwest
but we are by far
the best builder of ca-ars
Two Pen-in-sul-as
We're the only state that has that

Mich-i-ganians
We are a wholesome bunch
dressed in layers
windbreaker on top
fake baked skin
so cold
we constantly have goosebumps
brrr brrr oh brr brrr

Mich-i-ganians
we are reliable
help you change the tire on your truck
Great Lakes State is rad
so put your mittens on
Ooh ohh

Sit on the beach (go quick)
we only get two months to do that
we hunt
white tail deer
Aretha Franklin on the stereo...

(and repeat, cuz you know you want to...)

Now before you all unfollow me enmasse, remember that I am not a songwriter. Hell, I am barely a  writer writer. But I AM true to my state. You gotta respect that, right? Right?

Ok Delaware. You're up.

In which I give some awards

I was recently given THIS bad boy  by Brittainy at Litany of Brittainy.  Btw, if you haven't been there, what in the name of all this is holy are you WAITING for?! The girl has talent. Go see. She's rad. 

That's right folks.

THE CHUPACABRA AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE

I'm gonna give you a second to just soak that in.

Done soaking?

I know. Impressive, right?!

I believe I was given this award because, well, I'm excellent. At WHAT has yet to be determined but whatever. Details.

The rules of passing this award on are also awesome because there are no rules.

I get to do whatever I want. I'm gonna be real honest here. I like to be the boss so this award is working for me on many different levels.

So, here is what I'm gonna do.

I am going to give this award to a some bloggers that I think are excellent.

Then next week I'm gonna do it again.

Then again. And again. Because I LURVE this award, and because there are are a lot of excellent bloggers out there.

I would like to say that I will do this every Monday or whatever but, I'm not that organized.

Today, the Chupacabra Award for Excellence goes to:

Liz at  It Be Liz for excellence in Tour-guiding and drop dead funny snarkiness.

Glen at Glen's Life for excellence in dreaming up jaw-dropping ways to deal with his obnoxious trainer at the gym.

Barbara at JoBart for excellence in posting incredibly adorable pictures that make me smile. A lot.

Karen at Nerdy Computer Girl in the New Decade for excellence in living life instead of doing the dishes. AND for  giving me comments that make me feel like a total rock star.

And last but certainly not least, to Badger atVienna For Dummies for excellence in spot on commentary on every topic.Seriously. He's good. Also for excellence in agreeing to adopt me.

For those of you that have received this award, do with it what you will. Pass it on, get it silk screened onto a t-shirt, make up some rules or don't. It's up to you. That is the beauty of the Chupacabra.

More to follow next weekish

Oh, and welcome to my new follower!  I was worried that I would return after my little absence to find everyone gone to greener blogging pastures but instead, I find that I have actually GAINED a reader.  YEEHAW!!

Life is good. 

My 'Strikethroughiest' Post This Week.

Today I will be guest posting for the lovely Rhonda at Wherever you go...there you are.


If you ever wanted to know about my marital history (and let's be honest, who doesn't? har har) you can read about it there. It's mostly about divorce, which sounds like a bad thing but...well... go read it, m'kay?

...

I thought that I had outsmarted and avoided that  total a-hole anemia Anemia that would render me mostly useless.

I did not.

I have been on a forced vacation sleeping pretty much round the clock for the last 4 or 5 days.

This being sick is totally for the birds. It's driving me absolutely crazy. I've taken some time off work so that I can relax, seeing as how just walking from the bedroom to the bathroom in the morning leaves me winded and my heart pounding. FORGET about showering and going into work.
I almost passed out in front of a customer the other day, which would have been bad healthwise alone- but was worse for me pridewise, and I do not embarrass easily.

Any who, the boss told me to stay home for a few days and "get better", but I feel like maybe having sales associates fainting in front of customers is off-putting. When I'm at Wally World buying my boxed wine and Hot Pockets, I certainly don't want RainRochelle (actual Walmart associate name) passing out in the middle of my transaction. Awkward!  And I'm  NOT just talking about her name.

Ugh. So. I'm not ignoring you, sweet blogosphere. During my coherent, non sleeping moments, I am reading blog posts that I have missed and commenting as my phone/data plan will allow (ie. not much). (ps.Screw you, AT&T.)

If you have landed here by mistake come by and left me a comment on a recent post, and I have not gotten back to you, please bear with me. Your comments are not going unnoticed. Believe me. I'm just crap at keeping up with all of it right now.

I have been trying to tweet regularly because it doesn't take a lot of energy. So, if you're having Katie withdrawal and want to hear random tweeting about Robert Pattinson's body hair or about my sink full of dishes, you can find me there.I know. Salty stuff. My little Twitter follow doovie is on the sidebar there to the left. I promise to be funny. Sometimes.

In conclusion (actually, I think use of that phrase may be against the law in the blogosphere. My bad..ooh. There's another one. Crap.) Regular programming will continue soon. SOON. Pinkie swear.

Until then, go read Alex at WHOA-MUMMA she pointed out a few posts ago that I was playing the 'period card' for comments but I wasn't. That just happened to be a bonus. I swear. She's on to me. Hey, whatever works, right?


Alrighty then. I'm going to stop now before I get myself nominated for whatever the bloggy equivalent of a Razzie award is. Too Late.

Now I get to be the guest. ON MUMMY TIME no less. I know, right?

This is the week of guest appearances.

Yesterday, Liz from It Be Liz  stopped by and was my first ever guest blogger.
I love her. If you have not read that post yet, you should. You can find it HERE. Read it. Give her some love. Ok? Ok.

and TODAY..
well, today is special because today is my very first time being a guest blogger.
Guess where? Oh, you already know because I told you in the title?
Well, for those of you who were to excited to read this post and skipped it, my guest post is on (drumroll)
MUMMY TIME!  Can you believe it? I can't and I see that it's there.
The bloggy Gods have blessed me with this opportunity...that I...couldn't....miss (yeah, that was a miserable blog title tie in.) Please don't change your mind because of that ill advised tie-in just then.
Pretty please?

Go to MUMMY TIME and give it a read, will you please?  I would seriously love you forever.

FO-EH-VAH.

If you are on the fence, the word vejazzling is in it. As is the phrase boobie tissue.
So go. Go now. Even if just to see those words in print (pervsters).

Oh, and be gentle.
Like I said.
It's my first time.

(BIG OL' MUSHY- MWUAHS TO BRENDA.  Thank you! I love you.)

A guest post. It be Liz.

 Today's post will be brought to you by my very first guest blogger.
Her name is Liz and she is one of my favoritefavoritefavorite bloggers.
If you are not already following her (why?) you are missing out on some seriously funny blogging.

Her writing is the perfect balance of snark and smart, oh, and she's hysterical. On more than one occasion, I have been given the stink eye from people in the library trying to enjoy their peace and quiet only to be interrupted by my snorts of laughter while reading her posts.
She also looks a lot like my favorite sister-in-law, which has nothing to do with this but is a fun little piece of trivia.

You can visit her blog It be Liz, here.
And you can read one of my favorite posts by Liz, An Open Letter to my Mother, here.
Oh, did I mention that she is an American living in Ireland? (No? but you knew that because you went to her blog and read her profile...?  Ok. Good thinking.)


Take it away Liz!

             Things I do in Dublin that I never did in America:

1) I walk everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Okay, I mean almost everywhere, I'm certainly not going to walk to the West Coast. But seriously, the movie theater is about 2 miles away from our apartment, and I walk to there. The good grocery store is about a mile away and I walk there. And back, with groceries in hand. And because our fridge is the kind you get in college, we go to the grocery store several times a week. On one hand, it's a good thing we don't buy stuff we won't eat because it'll take up precious space, but on the other hand, when you impulse buy something like gherkins to put in a sandwich, by God you better eat them. When things are too far away, I take public transportation, which brings me to number 2.


2) I take the bus and learned how to use the public transportation available. When I lived in Boston (technically outside, but it's easier to just say 'Boston' because more people know where that is, rather than Natick, which is where I'm from,) I took the T from time to time. The T is short for the MBTA, which is short for the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority. It's a hot mess of a subway system, but at least it had a couple of lines. Dublin has the Dublin Area Rapid Transit (DART), which is ironic, because there is nothing rapid about it. The DART goes from north to south. And that's it. So if you want to get somewhere east or west, you take either the LUAS or the Dublin Bus. The LUAS has two lines, red and green, and the red line is full of junkies shooting heroin into their toes (I wish I was making this up.) The Bus, while not ideal for a classy lady such as myself, is the business if you want to go to town in the rain (or to IKEA,) but don't want to hail a cab/spend more than €1.20 on the journey. And it rains quite a bit. So I taught myself how to use the public transportation here, though the Bus and I have a few more lessons to take with each other. It could learn to be a bit cleaner and I could learn to be more forgiving. It should be noted, that in Boston I took the bus ONCE and that's because there was a bomb threat at Haymarket. So, that's awesome.


3) Ireland is the land of Guinness and that's why I drink Carlsberg (or Heineken in a pinch.) I think I've had Guinness about 4 times in my life. And once was when I ordered it at a restaurant when I was 19 just to see if I'd get carded. I didn't get carded, but I didn't like it. I know what you're thinking. The Irish drink all the time, so there must be a lot of beer to choose from. Well, friend, I hate to shatter the illusion, but the Irish don't drink all the time. And if you think the Irish are a rowdy bunch who like to ruin things, you're confusing them with the Brits, who come to Ireland and get plastered, vomit in the streets, and generally ruin the Bachelor/Bachelorette party they're in town for. The Irish are cool about it. But in terms of beer, it's not cool. Usually, in any given pub there is Guinness, Heineken, Budweiser, Bulmer's (cider), and Smithwick's on tap. And I'm not going to lie to you, I find Samuel Adams the most delightful beer in the history of the world. The lack of Sam Adams annoys me. So I drink Carlsberg instead. Also, booze is expensive here. Ridiculously expensive. They have something called the Value Added Tax (VAT), and on booze it's like 100%. Okay, more like 34%, but that's a tax on beer, wine, and spirits. Then how do you get your hard liquor, Liz? Easy - it's called duty free. Which brings me to number 4.


4) I leave the country to travel to far away lands that don't include Canada and Mexico. Now I just seem like I'm bragging. A couple of years ago we went to Dubai for the hell of it. I can now say I've been to the Middle East. It was scorching hot. Our honeymoon was in the Maldives (off the coast of India) and this week we're heading to Turkey for a wedding. Hardly something to thumb your nose at and I can't complain. It seems like it's magical and exotic but really, think about how often people travel between states. Also, America is huge. And everyone has a car (lucky bastards.)


5) I go to TGI Friday's and The Hard Rock Cafe, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. When I lived in Boston, I only went to TGI Friday's for a mudslide. I never went to the Hard Rock, not even for a Hurricane (which, by the way, you get a free HRC glass with the purchase of a Hurricane.) You can't get good nachos here unless you go to the HRC. You can't get honey mustard unless you go to TGI Friday's. Honey mustard! You also can't get Cheetos here, but that's what my Mom and the United States Postal Service are for. You can get some American products like Jif, Fluff, Goldfish, or Gatorade, but you'll pay a premium. Side note: Worth it.


There are a lot of good things about living abroad and a lot of things I miss that I used to take for granted (Target? CVS? Driving?). Sometimes people think I'm Australian. Once they find out I'm American, they always ask where I'm from, then ask if I've been to New York City, and what's it like? When Bush was in office, people would ask me about that and then sigh with relief when I told them I did not vote for him. They weren't huge USA fans when Bush was in charge, but now that Obama is in the White House, people seem more willing and accepting. Living abroad has also taught me that Americans are the friendliest people I've ever known. 'Have a nice day' is not something I hear often, and when I do, it's refreshing. When I hear an American accent during my many walks, I smile to myself and then try to place them by their accent. I'm usually wrong, but whatever. Like anyone can tell a Wyoming accent from a Montana accent anyway.


If you're ever in Ireland, drop me a line. I'll buy you a Carlsberg.

Bloggers without makeup

Well, if the only reason you are a reader of this blog is because you believe I look like a cross between Elle McPherson and Sandra Bullock, you may want to quietly click away from this page.

For those of you that are still here, today has been deemed "Bloggers without makeup" day. The effort here is to obliterate unrealistic stereotypes about beauty. You know, like the misguided notion that you have to look like the ladies mentioned above to be considered beautiful. Jodie at Mummy Mayhem came up with this idea and has a blog hop there, if you would like to participate. (Thank you Jodie!)

Yes, most of us put on make up every day to try to make ourselves prettier. A little concealer here and there serves to enhance our natural features thereby making us feel more confident.  I am not against make up by any means.

However, I do believe it's time that society changes it's view on what you must look like to be considered beautiful.

Yes, Sandra Bullock is gorgeous. Amazing really, but so is my mother who has never been on the cover of a magazine in her life. She is not a size zero. She is not 6 feet tall. She has never gone to the beach in less than a tee shirt and long pants. She has never gotten a botox injection. She doesn't have a personal trainer or chef. Her hair is graying. Her laugh lines show even when she isn't laughing.

She is real. She is a good human being. That is true beauty. And there are SO many more just like her!

So, here is the real me. Elle McPherson by no means, but real and dare I say, bee-u-tee-ful?

Take THAT society!!

Dear Title line, this is going to be my title.

Since I am having some trouble being original as of late, I have decided to do a post that is just plain easy and fun.

Big ol' thank you's to my bloggy buddies who did this first, Kristin at Wanderlust who got the idea from Claire Marie at Spontaneous Delight

 Without further ado, here are my letters to inanimate objects.

Dear Crack in my windshield,
     Of all of the places on the ENTIRE windshield, I can appreciate that you beat the odds and ended up directly in my eye line. However, when the sun hits you, I am blinded. Not cool. There's a kid in the car!






Dear Sink full of dishes,
     I am seriously contemplating reworking this months budget so that I can just throw all of you out and start again, with new, clean dishes. And yes, it WOULD be worth eating boxed mac & cheese for the rest of the month to do so.






Dear Radio Station,
     I counted Lady Antebellum EIGHT times yesterday. I have barely forgiven you for the HOT MOM contest. Don't press your luck.






Dear Lottery,
     I swear that if I win you, the FIRST thing I will do is donate a substantial portion of you to my local public library. Then and ONLY then, will I buy myself a Buick Enclave.






Dear iPod Touch,
     I don't even WANT to know what that crusty stuff on your screen is.






Dear Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie that my son has watched 67 times in 3 days,
     Tonight you go back to the video store.




Dear Fishing boat,
     I am a bit jealous of my husbands love for you but secretely I am glad he has finally found you.




Dear To Do list,
      Quit looking at me! Stop! I said stop!




Dear search for my dad,
     You are not progressing as well as I thought you would. Step it up a notch please. He and I are not getting any younger.




Dear Blogs I love,
     I love reading you all the time, however, sometimes you make me feel like a blogging imposter. I need to step up my game. You are AMAZING!

A plumber may work too...

Yes, I have been neglectful.
Very neglectful.
I promised myself that I would NEVER go a week without posting something new. (ah, the dreams of newbie bloggers.)
If I did not post today, I would be breaking that very promise to myself and I can NOT let that happen.

So... instead of being brilliant myself this morning (this is tough, I have not had NEARLY enough coffee) I am going to post a link to a little gem. A pearl if you will. A shiny lil' emerald.

  Ladies, we've been found out. Glen has cracked our secret party code and the truth will shock the world.
 Please visit his blog- Glen's Life- and read The netball girls. 

Hil-frickin'-larious.


Oh, and thanks Glen-your genius is showing.

Team SANDRA.

I can not ignore a certain national tragedy.
I was going to keep my opinion to myself but I just can't do it.
America's sweetheart has been cheated on.

Also, I read this hysterical post at Glen's life and I was motivated to put in my two cents.
I am going to drop my 'snow hating' hat and don my TEAM SANDRA tee shirt.

Jesse James has once again been thrust onto my radar. I do not like Jesse James on my radar. The radar is reserved for George Clooney, Clive Owen and Possibly Taylor Lautner if I am feeling especially cougar-like.
Jesse James.
No.

 So, Jesse James, you had the NERVE to cheat on Sandy? (I sometimes call her that)

Oh, I can see why. Who would want to sleep with this swamp creature?

Are you kidding me?

I don't know. Maybe she is a horrible person to live with.

Maybe she plays "About Steve" on a constant loop on all the t.v.'s in the house.

Maybe when you drive anywhere with her, she never allows you to travel at less than 50 miles an hour.

Maybe she clips her toe nails on the couch and leavs the clippings on the coffee table.

Maybe she refers to motorcycles as pigs instead of HOGS.

If all of these were true, I guess that Jesse may have reason to look for love elsewhere.

They are not. So he doesn't

She is pretty much the most beautiful woman in America and her husband strayed. I am number 1,269,894,099 on the beautiful list this does not leave me feeling very good about myself.

It's not like she looks like this

Or worse, this

So, Mr. James.  What in the world could you possibly have been thinking?

Let's just for funzies say that I (kind of a nobody) was married to oh, let's just pick someone at randomGEORGECLOONEY.

Ok, Imagine I am married to George Clooney

 gah...............................................................................................................................................................

sorry. Thats what happens when I pretend to be married to George Clooney. I'm better now. Promise.

If I were Mrs. Clooney do you think I would be out and about town looking for action with someone who looks like this?

(all photos curtesy of google images)

Absolutely not.

In fact, you would never see or hear from me again. Or him.

Not ever.

 I wouldn't even take the time to call my mom. Ever. 

We would be otherwise occupied...

I would be intelligent enough to appreciate my EPIC good luck and and NEVER look at another man as long as I live.

So...Jesse, off my radar! You are not welcome here- and if Sandy has the good sense that I am SURE she does, I hope she tells you the same thing.