There was no black ice. You're just a Sh*tty Driver.

There are gifts that are given to us in life that don't happen often. A few of them include:

Haley's comet- We here on earth only get the chance to see this every 75.5 years on average. I got to see it in my lifetime. I am sure that at the time, I was playing a very important game of Barbie that my mother or some other caring adult pulled me away from to see it. I'm glad they did. A gift.

Having a baby- for some of us having a baby is not at all as easy as they warned us it would be in high school health class. In my early 20's I was still under the mistaken impression that a well placed and violent sneeze would result in conception. (I'm talking to you, Duggar family!). Against the odds, I did get to have a baby who is the light of my life. A gift.
        What I am referring to here is a special gift.
 A gift that is so wonderfully miraculous, when it happens, it seems like the world is perfect. When it happens, you feel so perfectly content with the Cosmos that you actually ponder calling your mother-in-law to invite her to lunch just to chat. (You don't actually DO it. But you do THINK about it, which is a miracle in itself).

What is this special gift?
Seeing that car. 
 Either :
a) pulled over by the police
b) stuck in 6 feet of snow in a ditch
c) a + b

You know what car I'm talking about.

It's the one that just passed you doing 95 when the speed limit is clearly marked 55.

It's the one that has tail-gated you SO closely for the last 20 miles that you are no longer sure where your car ends and theirs begins.

It' the car who's driver thinks he/she is entitled to drive as fast and recklessly as he/she wants because he/she drives a TRUCK and road conditions need not be taken into consideration for trucks.

(you know what I am talking about don't you? I know. It's a basic human emotion. Go with it.)
This morning I was given this gift. And it feels good. 

 The car that was tailgaiting me in an apparent attempt to get me to drive faster using any means possible short of  physically pushing me with their bumper decided that a better way to go would be to pass me.  Of course when I see that the car is about to pass me I speed up a bit  graciously let them do so. Well, mid pass this person (who just happens to be a man) rolls down his window and flips me off. Instead of being offended, my actual thought was: Your windows are clear stupid! You didn't have to roll down the window for me to be able to see your stupid finger. That's just more work.

 This person also says something that may have been,
"Lerrn hah ta DRIVE, ASSHOLE!!"
 but could also have been,
"I feel so ALIVE, GRASS MOW!!"
  Which doesn't make sense but I can't be sure. It's winter. MY window was closed.

  This guy who is in such a hurry showed me who was boss by arriving at the exact same stoplight I did about 2 seconds before me.
So, the light changes to green and the insane person peels out. I don't keep up with him because I  am a responsible adult and am following all driving regulations for the existing road conditions see a police officer.

Police officer sees A*Hole.

Police officer speeds up to pursue A*Hole.

I lose sight of Police officer and A*Hole

About 5 minutes down the road I am stopped  at another light and I see lights flashing and THAT Truck. YES!!  He got pulled over! This almost never happens. I take a deep breath and relish the feeling of seeing Karma well placed and in action.

But wait, he's not just pulled over. He's buried up to his hood in snow and facing oncoming traffic - in a ditch. There was a spin involved. AWESOME!! (let me just stop here and say that the guy did not hurt himself or anyone else as far as I can tell, so you can stop worrying now mom)
I see the officer pull away.

As I approach, I lay on my horn-open my window-and yell,
"I feel so ALIVE, GRASS MOW!"
 or something like that.
A gift.


  1. Holy Moses! PLAY THE LOTTERY TONIGHT!!!!! It's your lucky day!! (That kind of awesomeness never happens to me, I mean never. Wow. I'm so impressed!!)

  2. Liz- good plan! If I win I will send you....all the American chocolate chips you can handle. :)

    Kim-Thank you for stopping by. I see you have 3 blogs. Which shall I read first??

  3. Hey...I'm unemployed and I have a lot to say! :)

    Your blog is hilarious! Glad I found you through Liz!

  4. And the great karmic wheel rolls over another asshole. All is right with the world.

  5. ROFLPIMP!!! I. Love. It.

    Instant bloody karma grass mow!

  6. I am on Twitter . I need to get a button for that... When I get to an actual computer I will look you up. Doing this from my iPod is a joke. And not a funny one.

  7. Came here from Kristin's (kbxmas) blog. Great post. Yay!

  8. Love it. I am going to drive through the snowy streets of Vienna shouting "GRASS MOW" (Austrian drivers can be assholes too).

  9. Finally, I have something to shout at idiots when I'm driving that my kids can say without making their grandparents pass out!

    Take that GRASS MOWS of the UK!

  10. OMG, as I was reading this I thought for SURE you were taking a story right from ME!! I, too, was lucky enough to have that special gift happen to me this winter. The stars must have been aligned just right that day too! There are, unfortunately, too many grass mows out there.....

  11. Serves that GRASS MOW and all other grassmows right!

  12. hahahahahahahahahaha! :D Thanks for making my morning with this post!

  13. absolutely love this one - :-)


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