No TV or Eyeball Herpes Avoided

My family doesn't  watch TV.

Thank you Google Images

Don't get me wrong, I am not  an anti-television hippie or anything. In fact, we don't watch because we all like the tube a little too much. We would sit and watch all day if we had it, getting up only to use the bathroom [if that] and to replenish our potato chips.
So, a few years back, the husband and I decided to disconnect the television- which completely sucked at first but is now no big deal.

As good as it is for my family, there are some cons to this TV-less existence.
For starters, At one point in my life, I was hopelessly addicted to a little television show called Lost. You may have heard of it? To watch it, I would drive 15 miles to my mother's house and  hijack her TV.  I don't think she liked the show at all, but she let me do it anyway. What a gal.

Another weird thing is when people find out we don't watch. There are a few common reactions.
1. {GASP} You don't watch TV?!? What do you do all day?

and

2. Well, good for you. (which sounds nice, but most of the time the 'good' is said with two syllables which makes this normally nice phrase sarcastic.)

and my personal favorite

3. But you do watch American Idol (or insert any currently hot program) though, right? RIGHT?

Also, my mother (see above) who has known for almost 4 years that we do not watch any form of TV, will still call me and say, "Did you just see the news story on Channel 9? I think that girl went to your school!"
and my answer, of course, is- Yep. Sure did. She graduated the year before me...

It's just easier that way.

Another thing is that I rarely know what people are talking about around the proverbial water cooler and regularly have to Google things like:

Is "the Situation" a person? 

answer: Yes, a STD riddled one at that.  

Is Mariah Carey pregnant?

answer: Isn't EVERYONE pregnant right now? {way to answer a question with another question, Google.}

Who is Bristol Palin and why should I care?

answer: nobody and you shouldn't.

Is Donald Trump still an insufferable ass hat?

answer: a million times YES.

Thank Goodness for Google.

It's  hard impossible, in fact I REFUSE to avoid TV when I spend time at a house that has *oh dear lord* Cable.

My standards weaken and spend many hours of wide eyed watching. Sucked in by shows I never knew existed.

Hoarders.

Say Yes to the Dress.
Cupcake Wars/Cake Boss/
What NOT to Wear

And some crazy couponing show where these amazingly weird and wonderful people buy 6 trillion dollars worth of groceries for $3.18. I believe this show is called  Hoarders on a Budget. Or possibly Hoarders with coupons, or even Hoarders with better money skills.

 It's like a crazy-horrifying-wonderful-scary-hilarious train wreck and I love it.

Katie + Crazy Coupon ladies = True love forever.

There are also perks that go along with this lifestyle.
1. I have never seen an episode of Jersey Shore. That right there is like, the best perk EVER. According to Google, just watching it can lead to herpes of the eyeballs. This could be a lie, but you know, better safe than sorry.

2. My son does not ask for toys he doesn't really want, but was told to want during commercials at Christmas time. I believe we have saved tens of thousands of dollars on Zhu Zhu Pets alone.


3.The boy is also an amazing reader and has a fabulous vocabulary. He is the actual writer of this blog.
TA DA!! 
Ok, so that was a fib, but seriously, the kid is smart and I know he didn't get that genetically. It HAS to be the no TV rule.

4. We read a lot. Before I found blogs, I would read about a 60 books a year. Which is pretty cool because I know people who haven't read 60 books in their whole life so I feel very  accomplished, comparatively.

5. My house is always hospital-standard clean! (those of you who know me in real life can just keep your comments on this one to yourself.)


So yeah. Life in Casa Opportunity may be TV-less but I'll  say it again.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN JERSEY SHORE.
You're welcome eyes. And brain cells. And stomach.

 So tell me -Do you watch?
Do you not?
What else do I need to Google?

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

Bit by bit, NMO is becoming more and more what I want it to be.  (A trillion dollar empire) Aesthetically, anyway.

If you would kindly direct your eyes to the address window up there, you will see the completed step 249 in that process (ok, it might not be there yet, but google/blogger promises it will be, soon.) I dropped the blogspot.com  like a hot potato

and have a shiny new dot com address. You need to know that the minute Google took my $10 I loudly shouted:

  Forcing looks of disapproval from both my husband and my brother who were trying to watch a MOVIE ifyoudon'tmindthankyouverymuch.

If I was not so obsessed with personalizing everything, life would be much easier. I blame my 1st grade teacher. She handed us blank folders and markers on the first day of school and told us to make them our own.

One minute, you're drawing flowers and rainbows on your first grade folder and the next you find yourself wearing a jewellery loupe, tweezers in hand, gluing tiny rhinestones to your cell phone one by one.

I didn't say it looked good.

*ahem* I hear.

This blog needs some hand glued rhinestones, darnit!!


Yes, blogging is supposed to be about the writing and all that, but a nice presentation never killed anyone. Am I right? 


Anywaaaaaaaay,  I guess I said all of that to let you know that changes, they are a comin'!
I'm pretty excited.

WE DID IT!!! Right, Liz?

_________________________________________________________________________
also, I have NO idea what is going on with my comments. Are any of you getting responses? Bear with me. I'm a techno savvy work in progress.

I need some help. Shocking. I know.

This picture has nothing to do with this post in any way.

For quite some time now, I have been toying with the idea of a great big blog overhaul. I have been undecided about what to do but with such a small blogging budget ($0.00 to be exact) the choice has been relatively easy. Nothing.

However.

My husband has given me the gift of a new blog design for my coming birthday. How flipping cool is that?! (Thanks Husband that isn't reading this.)

So, here I sit. In a quandary.

Do I just redesign NMO

OR

 start from scratch with the new blog of my dreams?

While No Missed Opportunities is a good name (and a pretty good way to live life), I don't know that it represents my personality and what I hope to accomplish with this blog (which is different now that my blog has evolved a bit.)

So, what I need are your professional opinions.

Which route should I go?

What advice do you have?

Have you overhauled your blog?
What are the pros and cons that I may not be thinking of?

I am even open to hearing new title suggestions.

The following have already been suggested:

The dork's blog.

Sharksnake.

This is my blog title.

Indiana Jones.

Katie always late-y

What's a blog?

I'm Hungry

Writing I don't HAVE to do but I do anyway

Ugh.

Thank you to my family members who gave those fascinating though not very helpful suggestions.

                                                                                                                     Can you do better for me?

I do have an idea for a name but we shall see.

Thank you in advance because I know I am going to get a hundred helpful comments on this post.**hint 



Pans of brownies no longer live in fear.

So, I don't want to brag or anything, but I just wanted to let you know that I have lost 2 pounds this past week.
I am pretty proud of myself and things are going well. Normally, by now,  my body has revolted against my trying to be healthy, my willpower has turned to mush and I eat an entire party size bag of peanut m&m's. Oh no friends. Uh uh. Not me.
 NOT THIS TIME!

My son's birthday party is tonight and I have already put a plan into place about how I am going to deal with the cake (small piece, large glass of water before hand), because let's be honest: If I don't, I will scare the little children by first whispering sweet nothings to that frosted yumminess, then embarrass myself by shoving my face directly into it. I can't have that crap ending up on YouTube -you know it would- my nieces and nephews are just waiting for that to happen (shockingly, it hasn't happened before now).
Again- NOT TODAY!

I added a page up top there called "Less Weight = More Kate" ( I know. I am a master of the English language.) I will be posting weekly updates about how my big healthy lifestyle change is going. In case you care. But please care. This blog is keeping me honest.

With any luck, tomorrow afternoon I will NOT be the next YouTube sensation with "Crazy Aunt Katie Murders a Birthday cake".

A big fat surprise that isn't surprising at all.

Last week, I told you about being mistaken (again) for a pregnant woman.
That day, I was pretty pissed off at the unmitigated audacity of the woman who pegged me as preggers.
Today I would like to track her down and apologize for damning her to the bowels of hell (In my mind. I hardly ever damn anyone to hell out loud save for a random damning of Bill O'Reilly and the like.)

  This past weekend, my family and I headed to southern Michigan to celebrate my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. Family gathered from across the United States to drink honor my grandparents.

I was very excited to see aunts, uncles and cousins that I haven't seen since last year. Of course, one of my uncles felt the need to capture every moment on video. I avoided the video camera as much a possible but alas could not escape it entirely. Late that night we gathered around the TV to watch the video of stuff that had JUST happened. Ugh. Why do people do this? the party. I make my appearance about 3 minutes in. There is a close up of me. I am standing in a circle of family members, telling some story. I think to myself that my hair looks pretty good for having had to wash it with BAR SOAP in the hotel shower earlier that day.

I hate seeing myself on video. See, I am denial about what I really look like. In my head, I closely resemble Salma Hayek. Maybe Salma Hayek's prettier, blue eyed sister...

In real life, my famous person tie in would probably be chubby daughter of Kathy Bates.


Anyway, as the camera pans out and full length Katie is revealed, I am shocked and appalled.

HOLY HEAVENS WHO IS THAT HUMONGOUS WOMAN?!?!

Sadly, it's me.
No! Family! Do not watch this!!
They are all going to realize I'm fat! (as if they've never seen me)

I left the room and locked myself in the bathroom where I had a nice long cry and visited a grab bag of emotions. Disgust, defiance, sadness, hopelessness and disbelief- just to name a few.  I did a lot of talking to myself in there. If those walls could talk, I would be writing this from my padded cell.
I sat there until the video was over.

The next day, we went to the Detroit Zoo.
I was determined to have a good time despite my leftover issues from the night before.
Of course, any family outing lends itself to scads of photo opportunities.
The plan was to be the one TAKING the pics- therefore not have my picture taken.
Epic fail.
Out of the 30 or so pictures that I am in, I only found one that I did not find completely embarrassing. Yesterday I posted it to my Facebook account. This morning I deleted it.
I am mortified.

When I got to work this morning,  I  called and made an appointment with a nutritionist, inquired about a gym membership, withdrew enough money from the bank to join Weight Watchers and reinstalled the 'couch to 5k app' on my phone that I deleted last week when I didn't feel like doing that anymore.

So, here are some pictures of  the REAL me. Using all kinds of sneaky methods to try to "hide" my weight.






I don't want to be that person anymore.




It's time for a change.



Thank you lady who though I was pregnant. Your faux pas helped set that change in motion.

Mistaken identity or, the inability to ninja kick.

So, it happened today.

Something so humiliating, so soul-crushing, so throwupinyourmouth-inducing  that I can barely bring myself to think about it. (Blog about it,Yes. Absolutely. As you well know if you are a regular here, I don't think while I blog. So we're safe.)

Are you ready for it?

Today I was mistakenly identified again** as a pregnant woman.

If this has never happened to you, consider yourself lucky.
If it has-my condolences.

The crappy part of all of this is that I have no good comeback for this embarrassing situation. I pride myself on having witty comebacks for embarrassing situations. Take a gander of these beauties:

I know you are, but what am I?

Yo momma!

I'm rubber you're glue...blah blah ...sticks to you!

Oh yeah?

Your mother wears combat boots!

And when in a pinch, I have been known to use:

Whatever!*

*only to be used if you will never see the person you are saying it to again because this is absolutely NOT a good comeback. You both know it.

Ok, so I prided myself on having snappy, knife like retorts when I was 12 and not much has changed in my repertoire since then.
HOWEVER.
This situation demands a response.
Just looking at the person with a blank stare as a single tear rolls down your cheek is not enough.
I am always tempted to say, "you think I'm preggo huh? Then you will definitely not be expecting this... (perform a ninja-like kick directly to the persons sternum) from a pregnant lady!"
Except, I'm chubby, which is what got me into this mess in the first place, and can not deliver a kick that high.
So, you can see that that my retort has to be especially biting to make up for my lack of ability to kick people in the sternum.

Until I can find the perfect comeback for this, It will warm my chubby little heart and my plus sized soul to know that when I say "um...no" to people when they ask if I'm pregnant, they feel like total assbags for not knowing the rule that you NEVER ask that question. Never.


**this has now happened on 3 seperate occasions. Maybe I should take the hint.
And get pregnant.