The Food Fail Anniversary

My husband and I celebrated our anniversary a few days ago. I thought it would be fun to get a babysitter and spend an evening at a restaurant that wasn’t equipped with a drive-through window.

I did some research and found a place that wasn't Taco Bell that sounded interesting.

Café Sante.

European food.

 Extensive wine and beer list.

Score.

It is important to note that my husband and I are not foodies by any stretch of the imagination.

We are, unfortunately, like most Midwestern Americans when it comes to food. By that I mean that our diet consists of things mostly:
 a.) deep fried
or
b.) having the word “nugget” in the name.

I am not proud of this, mind you. I wish I was worldly when it comes to food. I wish that I could turn my nose up to a cheeseburger or a Pop tart, but alas, I can not.

However, for our anniversary, we decided that we were going to go somewhere nice, and broaden our food horizons.

On the way there, I imagined myself being served plate after plate of beautiful European delicacies, sipping expensive French wines and laughing coyly at my husband’s witty stories.

I found myself saying things to my husband like,

“Escargot. Isn’t that snails? People eat them all the time. They must be wonderful. I’m going to try some tonight!”

To which my husband romantically replied, “No you won’t.”

Once inside and perusing the menu, my bravado was nowhere to be found.

Husband: Do you have ANY idea what any of this stuff is?


Me: Um…yeah. I remember some of it from the movie Julie & Julia. I’ll Google definitions on my phone.

Him: I don’t feel like we belong here. We’re simple people.

Me: Relax. We DO belong here. And we are NOT simple. ...Are we simple?

Him: Whatever you do, don’t ask for Ketchup, ok? I am pretty sure they would make fun of us in the kitchen if we do that.

Me: Fine. No ketchup. I guess these FRITTES are out of the question then.

Him: I guess so, but you’re in luck! They have escargot. Only $8! Shall I order that for you to start?

Escar-NO!

Me: What kind of civilized person eats snails? We buy chemicals to kill them when they invade our garden which, by the way only costs $6, and I don’t know if you've forgotten, but they leave a slimy snail trail wherever they go. I am NOT trying them! I will NOT have snail slime in my stomach.

Him: Can I get mussels?

Me: Absolutely. If you want me to vomit on the table.

(oh yes, the magic is still alive.)

We decided to have the Charcuterie Platter to start off our meal.

Our waitress explained that it was basically a selection of meats-dried and cured- served with bread and crackers. (I can totally get behind bread and crackers.)

The plate arrived and the waitress pointed at different things, telling us what they were.

 Point. Pepperoni. (usually on pizza = ok in my book)

Point. Bologna. (not like, Oscar Meyer. This bologna had bits of stuff in it. One of which was chopped pistachios) Note: I could have dealt with Oscar Meyer.

Point. Bigger Pepperoni. (awesome)

Point. Onion Relish (I’ll try that)

Point. Prosciutto. ( Giada de Laurentiis seems to like it)

 Point. Point. Salmon Pate. Duck Pate. ( Nope.)

Waitress: (gesturing at what looked like a very small, gray meatloaf) Duck liver. Ours has pistachios in it. You’ll really enjoy it. (Did they over order pistachios or what?)

With trepidation, my hub and I both grabbed a piece of bread and started out.

I grabbed some pepperoni.

He grabbed his knife and was smearing his bread with some whitish substance I hadn’t heard the waitress name. Brave man.

Me: What are you trying there?


Him: Uh, I believe this is butter.

So officially, I liked:
 the pepperoni (both sizes)
 the onion relish.

I have no opinion of:
 the duck pate. Except that if it did not contain pistachios I would not have tried it at all.

The salmon pate I did not try, based solely on smell.

As for prosciutto? Giada de Laurentiis is playing a trick on us. It tasted like my dogs chew toys smell.

Horizons broadened.

Enough of that nonsense.

For dinner I ordered Cheese Ravioli and the hub ordered Boeuf Bourguignon which got my seal of approval because I remembered it from the movie.

The best part of the meal was definitely the Tiramisu we had for desert.  We loved it because it contains two of our favorite things, Sugar and liqueur.

Like it or not, we are simple at least culinarily speaking.

Next year, we’re just gonna start with the Tiramisu.  If McDonald's would start serving it, our lives would be perfect.
McMisu.
Yum.