What the heck Twinkies? I thought we were friends!

So I went to my local super-mega-cheapie store to purchase myself some new undies (long over due). Anywho- the last time I bought unmentionables for myself, I believe I was in my second trimester of pregnancy with my now 6 year old (like I said, much over due). 

I am not sure what size to buy because they all have seemingly random sizes on them such as:

• Large
• Extra Large
• Size 2
• Comfy Fit 7
• 8
• OSFA (realy? one size fits ALL? My ass. No pun intended)
• Medium/Large
• Boy Cut Jr. 3 (what?)

  So, you can see my confusion right?  I mean really. Can we just do  all numbers or all letters or all stick people in various sizes??  Whatever. I just need there to be some sort of consistency...

So, I pick up a pair marked  "size 8" and hold it up at arms legnth, close one eye and squint at it trying to estimate the size of these panties (although being the size they are -huge- they probably DO NOT qualify as panties) vs. the size of my bottom.

No way!  My bottom-while it is sizable- is not THAT big.  These would just hang right off  me and gather in an unsightly pool near the back pocket of my jeans causing horrifying ass wrinkles. I put them back on the rack with a very loud snort of disgust.

Having scientifically eliminating the need for a size 8, I grab the 'prettiest' (term used very loosely) package of size 6, and head happily to the check out. I am also glowing with the newly acquired knowledge that I'm not some total fatty that needs a size 8.  Thank Gosh.

This morning I woke up excited to wear my new delicates ( I know. I don't get out much).

Humming a happy tune I open the plastic packaging and pull out today's pair. 
Yep. Perfect. Almost cute.
I am excited now. No more undies with holes SO huge I mistake them for leg holes!
I step in. Oh the rapture!

Except-
I can't get them past my thighs.

Thankfully when I returned them this morning to the store I didn't have to buy a size 8!!
The 9's fit me better.
ouch.
New undies 1/ My Pride 0